It Was Never the Thunder
by Handwritten
Summary: He will never be whole if I keep this hold on him. I'm not what he needs, or who he wants. The demons out there want to eat him alive. Rip apart his soul, and set him free. If I love him...does that mean I let them?


You know how two people can comfort each other, just by being in the others arms? There is no hesitance, or pauses. As soon as the lightening cracks against the sky, the two beings come together, clutching each other tightly. Perhaps it's the rumbling thunder that makes it so easy to let yourself look weak. Or knowing that you'll be reassured as soon as you feel their arms wrapped safely around you.

Any feelings...passion, longing, desire...even love...it's felt on both sides. No uncertainties. Steady as the beating of ones' heart. The gentle _thump thump_ documenting each perfect moment. Whether together or apart, you feel safe. Knowing that they're thinking of you.

I sometimes wish it was that easy.

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**It Was Never the Thunder  
**

Told by Namine

_song: "Dearest (strings)" -Inuyasha OST.  
~Handwritten_

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My room was drenched in moonlight and silence. The castle seemed to be pulsing with it's usual dreary energy, and the moonlight peeking through my high window was illuminating soft-edged squares on my white walls. Like the stark paleness of my room, my nightgown's bleached material felt soft against my skin. A small pool of moonlight was gathering in a circle on my bed-sheet. My hand moved in and out of the oval, watching my shadow intently. I could almost see the bones tracing along my fingers.

The cracking of thunder sounded like a gong. My shadow, following the movements of my hand, jumped to my side. I moved to the small window, a languid smile spread across my face. Even though I didn't exactly _enjoy _the storms, I found some sense of comfort watching the sky light up. Purple-white daggers streaking across the sky. Knowing that there were some things people couldn't control, no matter how hard they tried. You couldn't catch lightening. It came and went as it pleased.

I glanced at my closed door, across the room. There was a light, hesitant tap.

"Come in." I said quietly, the corner of my mouth tilting down.

It opened slowly, and Roxas peered around the door, eyebrows drawn together seriously. His Organization cloak was half-buttoned, and I could spot his plaid pyjama bottoms. Roxas kept on his stern expression as he crossed the room, but as another crash of thunder shook the castle, his eyes closed momentarily - and a shudder ran through his body.

As he stood by my bed, I reached out and took his hand. As usual, it was icy cold. I drew him closer, beckoning him towards me. One of his knees pushed the mattress down as he hovered in front of me. His fingers were smooth against my cheek…down my neck, floating over the curve of my shoulder and the side of my breast - coming to rest slowly against me. My breath caught, but as I took in his weary expression, I knew he wasn't here for anything of that kind.

My hand smoothed over his cheek. "It's okay to be afraid." I said softly. "You don't have to be strong all the time."

As many times as I would repeat those words, Roxas would never truly listen. His barrier - while it was gentler around me - would never fall down enough to see his fears. He kept everything so closely knotted to himself, there was no way for me to release it. Whatever I said, or however many times I held him, he never told me he was afraid. While the creases of his forehead would slowly smoothen out, there was a tension within him that would never break down.

As usual, Roxas didn't respond to my words except to sit down beside me. His head ended up in my lap, and my fingers raked gently through his hair. Even though it wasn't what he was looking for, I leaned over, once, to kiss him gently. Our noses bumped, but he still pulled me closer. His grip suddenly went slack. Our breath mingled - mint and spice. My breath came heavy, but Roxas didn't seem fazed as he turned his head away.

"I feel very...helpless." He sounded thoughtful. "Even when I'm with you."

I held my breath. Roxas rarely spoke on our visits, and I could see him debating each word carefully. Weighing them over in his mind. His movements were cautious as his fingertips stroked my wrist.

"I don't have much time left... do I." He didn't ask it as a question, and I remained silent for a few moments. The words stretched in the quiet, filling the room with their power. My thoughts echoed his own words. As the morbid images filled my head, I wish he hadn't sounded so definite when he said it. It was like he had already given in. Even if it would only prolong the inevitable, I wanted him to keep on fighting. Just so I could spend a few more days...hours...with him.

It was selfish. No matter how much I wanted him, I knew he would never feel the same. There was a piece of him missing.

I never felt more helpless than when I was with him. I was constantly drowning, never knowing what to do that could save him. Knowing he was suffering inside, but not being able to touch anything near that pain.

I hugged him closer, letting myself speak empty words. "You're okay now. Nothing will hurt you. Stay with me."

He exhaled shakily, and I felt myself shiver. I wasn't able to see the future. I could only guess what would happen - but we both knew how untrue my words were. Roxas would never be safe in this castle, or even in this world. There were people...people who would do anything to destroy him. Beasts and monsters who were waiting for him - creatures who had all the time in the world.

But there are times where my lies did more good than harm, and Roxas' eyes finally slipped closed. My hand moved over his chest, where there was no beating of his heart. But if I imagined hard enough...I could almost hear the gentle thump. It was so tangible. So close. And the only way Roxas could ever get near that, was if I chose to let him go.

_Those demons are going to try and hurt you, Roxas._

_And I have to let them._

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I tried to write their relationship from a slightly different angle...  
And it made me sad :( though listening to the strings version of 'Dearest' always makes me more emotional. God, I love that song ^.^ I just find it ridiculous how excellent the Inuyasha soundtrack's are. Damn.

And if you didn't catch it, Namine used the thunder and lightening in a metaphorical sense. Roxas isn't really scared of lightening - but it's the "monsters" which are slowly killing him.  
I know I don't write a LOT of angst, but I wanted to write about Namine wanting to keep a hold on Roxas, but knowing that the only way to let him be a whole was to let him go.

**Review with your thoughts and ideas! :)**


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